@theBlatherskite: I put my pants on just like everyone else: reluctantly.
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@thongbeard: Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
@graceful_asfuck: [Burger Lounge] Server: Are you 27? Me: OMG NO I'M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY Server: I meant your order number, ma'am.
@koalaslament: the closest I've ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air