@theBlatherskite: I put my pants on just like everyone else: reluctantly.
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@Zombie_Kitv2: Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he's just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Sir... I know, I know. Why is my dog dri- Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING I threw the ball too far during fetch Cop: Fair enough
@InternetHippo: COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim's mirror ME: You can't prove it was me COP: It was written in Dorito dust ME: I want a lawyer
@msdanifernandez: [during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]