If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
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Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”