wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.