CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT