Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
This fish is cracking me up
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”