@fillthevacuum: I put the p in pants.
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@oxygenplug: If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
@XplodingUnicorn: Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you. Me: Really? Just me? Him: Well, no. He loves everyone. Me: I don't have time for players.
@gtfml: When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
@panmidwest: [First Date] ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you HER: Ok! ME: What's the capital of Honduras? HER: um… ME:[writing] bad at geo-