I put the p in pants.
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Mood.. 😂
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!