*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
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My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pinđź’€
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends