@Nuwaha17: I quit drinking & people laughed at me. Now the iPhone 7 is here and I get to sell a clean & pure Liver. The joke is now on them.
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@FatherWithTwins: Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping. 4yo: *runs upstairs CRASH JUMP "Wake up!" SLAM *runs back downstairs "No, he's not."
@Stellacopter: When I'm out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying "Don't make eye contact with daddy."
@aholealex: "Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha" yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting
@WilliamAder: Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here."