Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
*struts into the new year
~ trips
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.