I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
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What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
New Tinder profile.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.