I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster