I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
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tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I have never related to a cat more
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR