I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
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IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My favorite female superhero
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.