I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
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[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.