I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Trumpy Cat
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.