@mrsjohngoodman: I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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@TrolleyCat: I'm not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It's a group effort, bears.
@JustUnstableMe: It's like the people in this restroom don't even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
@Darlainky: At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
@dafloydsta: [date] HER: Do you like Star Wars? ME: Of course HER: Which character do you identify with? ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space