@mrsjohngoodman: I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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@TheRealRHB: Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn't mean the camera they found is mine
@michaelianblack: Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!
@robfee: Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
@joejwest: [jail] ME: I want my phone call COP: Ok. Make it count ME: [dials payphone] [cop's mobile rings] COP: Hello? ME: Please let me go