@mrsjohngoodman: I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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@bellicosejason: My boss calls me chief, so I really don't know who's in charge anymore. I hope it's not me because I haven't been paying attention.
@iGreenMonk: Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.
@djdarrellripley: My online therapist says you can't live your life in fear....He also sells shampoo.
@juliussharpe: I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I'm with a screaming two year old wondering, "Who is that solo genius?"