@mrsjohngoodman: I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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@bingowings14: Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir. Man in car: But that's a balloon. Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it'll soon be a dog.
@causticbob: Why does Batman wear a mask? Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.
@ValeeGrrl: 5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
@daveexplosm: Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?