@mrsjohngoodman: I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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@naazihah: The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I'll become beautiful.
@AndrewChamings: [joyriding in stolen Lamborghini] HER: No way this thing does 150. ME: Only one way to find out... [pulls over & checks wikipedia]
@PinkCamoTO: *planning family vacation* Me: So what about camping? Them: We love camping! Me: Great! I'll drop you off on my way to the spa.
@AnOrangeSNES: Yes Pony Express? I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn't get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?