@CulturedRuffian: I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
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@TheThomason: Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [pulled over by cop] COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID? MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
@TomSchally: The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.