@CulturedRuffian: I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
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@thejamietighe: Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body. Who's ready for music? Not you. You have tetanus
@Sickayduh: "In my defense, Your Honor, I only made comments about her yoga pants cause harassment a lot to me" "Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant"
@Phook75: Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college