I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
You Might Also Like
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I’m sure it’s fine.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane