I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
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ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *