[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
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Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
This is my cat’s medicine.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo