[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
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Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Good dog. ❤️
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times