I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
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Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
wow
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.