I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking