I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.