@BiIIMurray: I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
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@pinupteacher: [me on phone with mechanic] Car won't start. I think it's the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.
@stevevsninjas: Me: I want a dice. Clerk: The correct term is 'die'. Me: I want 2 die. Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die. Me: I want 2 die alone.
@EyeSeeYou619: [first date] HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra