Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
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The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.