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Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Stop being racist to kettles.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel