I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”