I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”