I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
you will never know the true number of layers
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.