I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
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I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.