@FinnMcIver: I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don't do that guys, don't do that.
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@68Cly29: The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
@KyleMcDowell86: A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
@flashember: DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A DOG'S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
@LeBearGirdle: [America's Got Talent] Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws? Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time