“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management