i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
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[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity