I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Bond. Trauma bond.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I don’t get marriage
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets