@Brianhopecomedy: I really hope it's a typo on your resume where it says you're "goat oriented".
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@BrosConfessions: "As a student the most comforting words you'll ever hear are " I haven't started either"
@truegritrumble: (At Kentucky Derby) ME: I'd like to enter my horse for the race. EMPLOYEE: Sir, that's a cheetah. ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?