@Brianhopecomedy: I really hope it's a typo on your resume where it says you're "goat oriented".
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@PaperWash: wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
@Brentweets: Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
@DudeImShawn: Math problem: Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.