I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Florida be like…
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second