I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night