@Carbosly: I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat's carpet right now.
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@thetits: Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
@bonehugsnirony: [someone compliments me] Me: thanks Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything Me: please don't Brain: lol yes
@TheAlexNevil: *job interview HR: Can you name one of your strengths? Me: Sure. I'll call it Giselle.