@Carbosly: I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat's carpet right now.
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@LOVELADONNIS: Woman on the plane just asked her crying son "are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby" I'm like damn are these the only options?
@Elizasoul80: Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that'll make you sweat. Me: *applies for a loan*
@JimmySelfDest: I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little.Web md has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus or a dislocated cervix. So..
@SamuelHLowe: When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.