Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
This rocks
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
If you know, you know
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”