POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
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Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Noah was an idiot.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.