@The_MartiniGirl: I really was gonna jog at the park today....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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@mjkspeaks: [on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
@FinallyHeSleeps: The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
@RiaWojo: I don't go out very much because I'm broke, but oh boy, once I'm rich, I'm gonna have to come up with another excuse.
@joshgondelman: "Why am I not asleep?" he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.