@The_MartiniGirl: I really was gonna jog at the park today....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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@yungsweater: Can I get an amen? AMEN! Can I get a b-men? BMEN! Can I get a c-men? CME--*the whole church laughs*
@FrenulumBreve: *Britney Spears releases a new fragrance* *the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
@bridger_w: If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, "I thought this was FAST food." The place will never recover from that mega burn
@TheTalkingPipe: Don't care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you're male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.