@scottthetwat: I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.
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@TheRealRHB: Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor's cat....she's out there rubbing up against it now
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Wake up 5-year-old: Me: We’re late 5: Me: The house is on fire 5: Me: Your sister touched your stuff 5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
@Coastiefish: You think God hates crosses? If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I'd be pissed.
@robfee: Fox News: Trump looks strong! CNN: Hillary should get the win! MSNBC: If you put a buncha hot dogs in a hamburger bun, is that a sandwich???