When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”