@eskimo_tekillya: I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I've learned how to breathe in the damn thing I'll tell you how it worked out.
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@david8hughes: Interviewer: u worked in sales before? Me: yeah Interviewer: what's your background? Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@hyperblastchic: "I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid..." -how vodka was born
@FrankConniff: A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn't happen in Arizona either.
@pleatedjeans: [cruising down highway in friend's car with windows down] me: [opens bag of glitter]