I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
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Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)