I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
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If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I’m not stressed
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.