I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.