I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
You Might Also Like
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.