Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
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He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes