I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
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Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.