i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
How to find Kentucky on a map
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!