[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
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Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
doing some research
Thinking about Jeff
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN