I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
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If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
wishing you and yours all the best
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Time for evil
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/