I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
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running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart