I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers